I wish I could teleport
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
