i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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