Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Holy sore nipples Batman
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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