I wish I could teleport
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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