omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
