Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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