it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
