Little spoons don't ask big questions
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
