the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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