I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I party with great urgency now.
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