Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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