apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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