Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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