I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
