I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
