i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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