dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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