I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
