she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
COCAINE IS GR8
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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