So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
