Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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