"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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