Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
