look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
