do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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