I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
