i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
