no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
