What did we do last night that was yellow?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
