can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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