You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
