It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
