where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
