I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
