I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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