I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
