The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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