So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
