after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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