If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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