I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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