She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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