We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
