i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
