he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
