'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
