Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize