"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
that may or may not have been my penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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