What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
