I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
