Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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