I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
