She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
