this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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