he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize