I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize