Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
