I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
