So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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