Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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