i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize