Ambien. No doubt about it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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