Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
