I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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