Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize